It was 26th Dec when I started this post, I hope it won't be dragged until the next few days.
I know the title sounds cliche and I wouldn't mind if you guys want to close my blog's tab.
I understand.
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| Kim Jonghyun, 080490-181217. I will remember you, always. |
Until this moment, I couldn't bring myself back to the pace and the place I was supposed to be.
I am still lost and stuck in time - I couldn't bring myself to the reality.
It hurts, really hurt.
It hurts because I wasn't expecting and everyone didn't expect this.
It hurts because I didn't get to say anything.
It hurts because I am lost and helpless in the situation, I am somewhere far away from him but deep in my heart, I wished I've done anything.
Even a simple DM, wishing him anything except for his birthday.
It hurts because I know the symptoms the best but I didn't have time to actually look into his situation. I wished I've said anything to him.
It hurts because I know I can't do anything now.
It hurts because I have to accept he is gone from this world.
Until this moment, I cried like a baby.
Until this moment, I apologized for something that I wished I know.
Until this moment, I cried when I heard his voice in the songs.
I thought I am okay. I thought I am okay because it's ninth day.
Just like a helpless fool, I cried again.
And typing this one post seemed so hard to be done because I cried helplessly as well.
I feel sad and sorry for my travel mates, they were enjoying our Spain trip so much while there's me crying every night when I was awake at 1am or 2am in the morning. Then, there's me crying over the comments, the regrets, my fellow Shawols' tweets and the funeral updates when I thought they aren't watching me. When I was walking ahead or walking behind them, I feel everything was slowing down and unconsciously, my shoulder and my heart feels heavy again.
I thought, when the time goes by, I will move on from this sadness, this despair, this heartbreak. But I broke down on this ninth day. I feel demotivated to do anything - I have two essays that are due in January and an exam on the 11th, but I have no motivation to do anything academical.
To me, SHINee is one of my motivations.
I remembered writing my name next to their names, with my ambition to be a somebody with a great career because I wanted to meet them with the pride of being a Shawol. I want to say proudly, "Oppa, I am your fan! Thank you for the great music since 2009! You guys helped me survived my high school years with your songs too!"
I remembered I woke up early just to wait for their Ring Ding Dong MV to be out, I remembered getting scolded by my mum because I was so into SHINee and their songs during high school time. I remembered I was so happy and thrilled for their comebacks, and even I've added more groups into my stan list, I remembered having SHINee as my priority when I was voting for K-pop awards. I cried a lot when SHINee won awards - they are my pride.
But this happens and I'm not gonna lie that I have lost my motivation. I even considered to stop being a K-Pop fan during these nine days but I figured out, that's too much for me. I'm known much as an avid K-Pop fan, I grow up with it being my music choice. I grew up watching almost every K-dramas and K-variety shows. My particular choice was very unique during that growing period, I noticed I didn't get into a larger circle of friends because of this choice - but I didn't regret at all. When everyone goes wild over Malay dramas, there's me alone fangirling over K-dramas.
It feels like my world is falling apart and my identity is all over places again. For a person who is very shy and enclosed, I found courage and self-confidence through SHINee. I found myself saying, "If they can do this, why couldn't I do the same?"
I used to hear and accept everything people said about me. Growing up with SHINee changed me 360, I became a brave, a carefree and a hardworking girl. And now, I feel my time is stopping, my reality is distorted. The pain grows deeper when I read negative comments everywhere in social media - facebook, twitter, instagram. I couldn't read anymore.
Media is so cruel at this moment, It's really unfair to use the pictures of the Malay fans as a headline - you know the acceptance is so hard for us in this "free" land. Yet, you did it. Yeay, thanks. Just when the highlight of the depression issue was on the point, the highlight goes off because of your post. Different people had different pace of mourning and people had the audacity to generalize everything.
How sadness can influence your decisions and your acceptance - some people are so damn rude. I wonder somehow, whether they will act the same if they happen to be in this situation as well. Will they cry helplessly like a baby too?
I hope they don't because they are ugly, in and out.
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| What should I do now? I didn't have any chance to meet you in person yet say a proper goodbye to you. |
I wish I can be strong in the future.
Express your love to your beloved people - I lost one of them.
The deepest pain is not when you didn't get that thing, but when you realized you lost it.
Okay ciao annyeong goodbye.
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