Assalamualaikum and hello.
I was supposed to lie on my bed, catching up my sleep because I am still trying to cure my slightly feverish, migrainy state. Yup, I am sick. But I am up, reading some fanfics and waiting for my laptop to finish updates and etc.
January was a really, damn bad month. I had an exam which I failed it terribly but Allah is good - I still pass the module (hopefully because I flunked math during IB times too, so...). I don’t really score high on my assessments this term and tbh, I am losing my fighting spirit. Yeah, I lost my fighting spirit. At first, I thought it was all about seasons. So, I talked with my newly assigned tutor about my lack of motivation. In the process, I felt like lying up straight on my face, saying I was badly affected by the weather and seasonal stuff.
Heck, I loved rain! (well not in the UK though)
So I guess it wasn’t all about weather, it must be something else. I have no intrinsic motivation (i.e: spirits) to do anything, even going out to the city or have some good dessert time. I loved chocolate and ice-creams so much though.....
So I sat back and realised, maybe I have burnouts these days.
I haven’t said anything about this properly, but his death had really, really impacted my life. People out there might say I am being overly attached or something similar, but no. I am not. “I feel like giving up everything because in the end, nothing matters” - was repeated everytime I had a bad day, a bad moment, a bad week and even a bad episode. I missed my timing to keep an update of a month a post thingy, I missed updating my journal, I didn’t stay up to wish anyone’s birthdays, not because I am forgetting things. I just don’t get it, don’t feel like doing it. I don’t even understand myself these days too.
To cry is an understatement, my heart breaks anytime my thoughts of him appears in my head. I thought I might not be heavily affected because I wasn’t into him that much, he wasn’t my first bias tbh. But deeply giving this a thought, I knew he was my bias since the first day. My laughs are a set of the bad imitation of his laughs - I laughed just like him tbh.
SHINee influenced my high school times, a lot. I grew up listening to their songs, watching their variety shows, happily waiting for their comebacks and having a dream to meet them one day. I am feeling blank - having your dreams crushed at once or feeling like your favourite laksa shop closed down because the owner is off to somewhere else.
That kind of lost - you liked laksa so much and you kinda devastated to know that you won’t have any chance to get the same laksa anymore. No matter what kind of laksa you’ve tasted, you didn’t get to feel the same happiness of eating your fav laksa anymore.
SHINee is that kind of group to me. I might be listening to any K-pop groups that exist on SK but at the end of the day, it was SHINee’s songs that I memorised a lot. It was SHINee who I cried when they get awards or when they won 1st place in music charts. I might have bought The Code for my first album and Mondoongie for my first lightstick, but I am a Shawol from start. It is very bittersweet - I love them but I don’t understand. The more I listened to Poet | Artist, the more I am confused to the core, then I realised, depression is such a silent killer.
I am studying Psychology though, who am I kidding - the more I think about these, the more I hurt myself. So I am trying to put my attention on these things through stanning another groups but then I have this mentality - they won't last long, they won't stay, they will go away. So I thought, it might be the time for me to just give up on this kind of idea. I don't take pictures anymore, I don't get that kind of happiness from photography these days. I feel everything is off, every side of my life is nowhere functioning. I deleted Instagram app (because I am tired to see and watch everyone posting pictures) and log out my K-pop account from my twitter app - to get myself off my phone.
I have been in bad friendships several times but I have never wanted to put someone away from my life this bad. I have never encountered this kind of platonic relationship either. I know I tend to attach myself to everyone whoever exist in this world, but I am not badly attached this time too - I know. I was like I am so mad at him but mostly at me because I am super nice, like always (wow, what's new though?). Okay, scratch that. I am mad at him now 100% after few revelations and few investigations. So I've blocked him again - you decided not to go away when I want you to do so.
It is hard to grow up. Everyone is busy preparing themselves to grow up, improving their CVs for job application and there's me doing nothing because I am stuck with my emotions, my mood and letting my free time to go away.
I don't feel that I am doing good or better in my studies too.
I hope my condition & situation is going to improve soon because I have so many things to be handled - I have Mnight in Week 8, upcoming second year project, presentation and report, essays, an exam in Week 9.
I have no time to be an established emo or an emotional bundle of nerves.
It is Week 6, FGS.
Get well soon (amin)
Okay ciao annyeong goodbye.
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